Isn't it funny how you'll get up to do something, but you can't remember what, so you drive to Mexico to buy fireworks and start a new life?

It's really hard to throw a surprise party for someone with no eyebrows.

I bet lobster cops just carry rubber bands instead of handcuffs.

I bet there is just a lot of awkward silence after a mime orgy.

If I was a raven, I would fly up to people and say "Nevermore," but then say "Don't quote me on that." Then I'd probably crap on some cars.

I think a really good speech would be one where a guy was talking about something important, and then he exploded and candy went everywhere.

One day, you come home and everything has changed, like the locks.

To help speed up evolution, I've started yelling at squirrels because I don't really understand how evolution works.

Pyramid schemes are effective because they prey on one of the most basic aspects of human nature: that everyone wants to own a pyramid.

I bet one of the best things about living in ancient times was being able to push somebody off the edge of the world.

There's nothing so heartwarming as your child's laughter.

Except for when they finally fall asleep because, seriously, enough already.

You'll always remember the first time you forget your wife's name.

I think the best part about being a boxer are the hugs.

You only get an infinite number of chances to accidentally insult everyone you know.

I can't wait until scientists prove that trigonometry is complete bullshit.

You can really learn a lot about someone after you write a fake Wikipedia entry about them.

I don't think kids should be allowed to have squirrels as pets because of how they stare at you and read your mind.

I respect anyone who looks me straight in the eye, and then burns out my retinas with their eye lasers. That's impressive.

As he plummeted toward certain death, Jack had to laugh when he thought about some asshole playing "Broken Wings" at his funeral.

You should only have a kid for the right reasons, like not wanting to rake leaves or if your wife is really crying.