Do I like your drawing? Of course not, you're 6, you can't draw for shit. Now rephrase that question, ask me if I like your effort

I think the biggest difference between Twitter and Facebook is that on Twitter nobody even pretends to have a social life

I've been ringing this bell for like an hour now. I'm starting to think I don't have a butler after all.

I have to go pick up my kid from daycare. Just waiting for the pillow creases to come off my face so I can pretend I did stuff today.

So, am I the only one that finds Rihanna extremely annoying? Besides Chris Brown, obviously

Anybody seen that new Bin Laden tape yet? Did he mention me? Like in the end, where he does his shout outs?

Just had a webcam chat with a girl from Saudi Arabia. Everything went well until she showed her eyes. I'm just not into fast women like that

I have a few "normal" tweeters in my follow list, and sometimes a tweet of theirs pops up in my timeline and I'm all like "I don't get it".

Right after I got out of bed this morning, I found out my toes can *almost* fit under my bedroom door. Related: FUCKMOTHERFUCKOUCHTHATHURT!

If these walls could talk, I'd move the fuck out, because that's just plain creepy.

No, I obviously don't have anything better to do right now. Thank you for asking.

I have been on hold for so long, I could have easily driven down there and shove my foot up their ass in person

I always have trouble deciding if it's "lie" or "lay". That is also probably one of the reasons I can't hold a relationship.

It's not that I mind that my neighbour is rehearsing with his band in his livingroom, I just wish ONE of them could actually play. Or die.

Someone just told me I'm a sweet and gentle person deep down inside. Right before I dropkicked her ass for sheer entertainment

I just cut myself on an IKEA kitchen knife. In good Muslim fashion I will now go stand in front of the Swedish embassy and burn their flag.

Explaining how Martin is the father of both Charlie AND Emilio is totally wasted on a 6 y/o.

Having kids around the house is a sure way of catching an illness every now and then. Bunch of little Outbreak monkeys.

My 6 y/o just sneezed so I told him he's catching a cold and we better stay in all day and play Xbox. Parenting FTW

I don't know about Google Wave, but I have an invite to my kick-ass pajama party with your name on it right *here*