If I don’t get stars for my tweets on @Favstar, I assume my humor is too intelligent for all of you. At least that’s what my horoscope says.

I now understand why Amazon recommended buying a 9mm revolver along with Sarah Palin's 'Going Rogue'.

Dog to a cat: “Hey Pussycat, how are you?”

Cat to the dog: “Damn you! Did I ever say, Hey Dick Dog, how are you?”

Going GREEN on this World Environment Day by dressing up as the Incredible Hulk.

My antique old vintage guitar is listed on eBay. Auction is open. No strings attached.

Twitter 141:
The ones that inscribe 'Humorist' on their Twitter bios are the ones that are more likely to steal tweets from others.

My girlfriend is throwing up. Should I be blaming the $8.99 pack of condoms from Durex® or the 89¢ burrito from Taco Bell®?

Calling it a day.

Lost the to-do list.

A small typo had me crashing a baby shower for a babe shower.

A whole day feels like an hour when agent Jack Bauer shows up on TV.

After delivering zero laughter through my amateur stand-up comedy performance, one among the audience asked, "Are you Dane Cook?"

I doubt if Apple would ever revolutionize Steve Jobs' black turtle neck sweater, jeans & white tennis shoes.

Just back from hair salon. It looks more like I picked on a fight with lawn-mower.

Oh, for fuck's sake, @DalaiLama should consider getting laid before the world ends in 2012.

Or, quit Twitter.

Teaching my woman that staring at the traffic signal doesn't change the light from red to green like it does with me at home.

If the defibrillator beeps again at the airport security check of
my crotch, I'm just going to say, "Yeah, I have balls of steel."

NewsFlash: Obama commissions Superman on cleaning up the oil spill after watching his role in Superman III.

Last I heard, BP engineers are working on an application for iPhone 6 that would clean up their mess.

I workout at least 5 times a week.

Between 9 to 5 in my office.

Forwarding all the great deals on Viagra in spam to the local pharmacy. They'd believe me now.