Thanks to my workout ethic last year, I got a trophy. No, wait... I think I meant "atrophy."

My name is Satan, Angel of Darkness, and Windows Vista was my idea.

Just how creepy do I have to act before people will stop showing me pictures of their damn kids!

"This guy is really attractive. I'm going to stand 5 feet away and turn my back on him in hopes he takes the compliment and says hi." -women

Have two beers a day and you say "I don't really drink."

Have sex once in your life and it's "Yeah, I get laid."

Listened to three hip hop songs last night and immediately understood about 100 facebook status updates that had been puzzling me.

Wanted: Twitter companion for mutual starring of tweets. No kissing on the lips, no stars will change hands directly. Must be discrete.

Women like shy, inadequate guys, right? Asking for a friend who's asking for me.

I just phrigging signed up to let Microsopht donate $10 oph mine to Haiti every time I hit the 'eph' key. Pheck.

If I ever lose my mind, I think one thing I'd do is walk around the park with my dog holding a clear plastic bag of lemonade.

There's a hole in my heart that only cholesterol can fill.

Can a guy choose to become a figure skater, or did God make him that way?

I shave the hair on my knuckles. I hear it makes my fingers look bigger. Ladies?

Women say each letter of OB/GYN because vaginas can't spell and there's no need to startle them before the appointment.

There's a federal law preventing me from selling a used mattress!?! That's so laughable I just might piss my bed again.

I have never IN MY LIFE successfully transferred an interoffice phone call. Anyone who has, please teach me your black art.

Well, what would YOU have made out of these Scrabble tiles? CSUMHOT

Last time I play board games with kids at the Y again.

I was more excited about her badonkadonk than she was about my badinkydink.

OH from Olympic curlers:

"Hey, ever think of becoming an athlete?"

"No."

"Me neither. Your turn to slide around."

"So fun."

"I know."

If you're copying and pasting jokes, then what are you here for? I have 450 thoughts posted that are all my own. What do YOU have?