No YOU were just in the kitchen singing 'You're the one that I want' to the bacon

Q: What is Tumblr?
A: An online error message masquerading as a blog website.

History dictates I'll wait till nobody is looking then do something great that nobody will notice

I refuse to Tweet what I’m doing now on the grounds that it may incriminate me, several other people, two goats & a very confused chicken.

My cat rubs up against the table leg with so much intensity I’m surprised she doesn’t come away with dollar bills stuck to her fur.

Intelligence is the best aphrodisiac.

Did I say intelligence? I meant Penises.

Penises are the best aphrodisiac.

I’m not a lesbian, no matter what my college roommate says. She’s a liar. Plus, I know for a fact she has no idea how to eat pussy.

I couldn’t decide whether to have homemade pea soup or a salad for lunch, so I had the chocolate pudding.

Nobody should have to act their age when there’s pudding in the fridge.

If I’m to continue being the only participant in my sex life I’m going to need a variety of hand puppets and at least one fun-house mirror.

In a perfect world I’d have plenty of free time to focus on my existential angst.

Why are so many people dicks? Oh, right. You are what you eat.

Ironically, if I gave you a bath you’d end up a very dirty boy. Happy, but dirty.

It’s about to rain, only my front brakes work, and I need to bike somewhere now. If I don’t survive, tell my mother I was nothing like her.

I just felt my own ass to see what it would feel like to someone else.

I may have eaten too fast. I have ice cream on my chin and a noodle in my cleavage. Damn, I’m attractive.

If she asks you to treat her like a princess, cheat on her then leave her. Just like Charles & Diana.

I have a new ass. I built it on top of my old ass.
I made it out of cookies.

Turns out happiness was not hiding under that pile of peanut butter cookie dough after all.

If I don’t start getting some feedback from you guys I’ll be forced to talk to people I know in real life. Nobody wants that.