You haven't lived until you've burst out of a vagina, naked.

"M,ILF" - some weird guy

Just saw two homeless guys makin out. They mustve been hobosexuals.

We have smart phones, smart cars, smart missiles. Where are all the smart people?

I'm not good around grieving people. I usually get real nervous and ask stupid questions like "Was your mom alive when the tigers ate her?"

I hate when I mistake my cocaine for flour and I waste $4,000 worth in a batch of cookies, and everyone at the picnic dies.

The road to happiness is paved with birth control.

My grandmother has Alzheimer's...and I have 365 birthdays.

I bet Julia Roberts could carry on a conversation during a blow job. While eating a cheeseburger.

It must be hard for vampires to put contacts in their eyes since they can't see themselves in the mirror.

Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him. So cute!

200 million people on twitter and I think I'm hot shit If I get 10 stars.

My self esteem levels are based on twitters ability to calculate how many followers I have.

Twitter Elite? What is this, fucking Black ops?

I treat STD's like jumper cables. I pretend I don't have any when people ask.

Some girl just tweeted "I have the best followers ever! I love y'all!" I unfollowed her ass...that'll show her the world is a harsh place

Owen Wilson and Big Bird once played a game of got your nose, and then forgot who's was who's.

If I had an annoying friend named Matt, I'd take every opportunity I could to tell him "You've worn out your welcome, Matt."

Truth drives a corolla while lies rock a fucking jetpack.

What I like in a woman:
1. My penis
What I don't like in a woman
1. Other guys penises
2. Swords