I wonder how many BP executives have removed "I like long walks on the beach" from their online dating profiles.

If BP really wanted to fix the spill they could make it a video game achievement. A 14 year old would have it solved by midnight.

If you dont like being tailgated then dont play movies I like. Try Dora, getting away from that show is the reason I was in the car anyway.

Just wanted to fill you guys in on the word on the street:

RIGHT

MERGE

FEET

500

ENDS

LANE

I write virus code and charge people to clean their computers. Windows 7 was my idea.

I'm still writing "YOU FUCKING WHORE" on all my child support checks.

my wife left a sticky note on the fridge telling the family how hard its to clean stainless steel. The note left a mark on the fridge door.

My son received a hand-me down shirt from his cousin that reads "I have an Awesome Dad". My wife scratched out Dad and wrote Uncle.

Delta is opening a ticket window on Facebook. It should speed things up since they can see all your baggage there ahead of time.

My car stalled and caught on fire yesterday. The radio still worked so I listened to the traffic reports to see if they mentioned me.

The favstar leaderboard is turning Japanese. I really think so.

4 wheeling neighbor just hit a ditch. I immediately grabbed my phone. 911? Fuck no. 5 megapixels

I DROPPED MY BABY!!!






The battery popped out and not a scratch on the touchscreen.

Does anyone else have the same initials as their spouse? If so, how do you resolve the issues with monogrammed panties?

Everytime I see a kid do the head toss to keep his hair Beiberish I picture my imaginary friend slapping him.

Does this $5 pair of wire cutters make my $5 billion border fence look smart?

I was invited to a facebook group for speaking only english in the USA. I cant accomplish that shit in my own house.

The results from my DNA test are in:
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Only thing that can top out maneuvering some asshole in traffic is when they pull into the lot behind you and it turns out to be your boss.

Why can't there be a cannibal meme that eats the other memes?