Justin Bieber was 'born' in Area 51; let mass testing begin. #pentagon11

Convinced another prospective bf that I'm not worth the trouble. I'm not ready to commit to regular shaving again yet. It's only been 5 yrs.

I almost made a food stamp joke, but I was afraid the comedians on here might take it personally.

Texting coworkers at 5:45am on Saturday mornings about nothing even slightly work-related is what makes me a popular office manager.

In the event of a zombie apocalypse, I'll just leave off the under-eye concealer and blend in. #fuckbeing40

I have a date next week. I should probably start shaving NOW.

If you love something...hold it down, pee on it, tag its ear and stick it in a cage. That'll teach it a lesson.

:O<===3 <--my son's latest artwork, he makes mommy so proud....

Was trying to figure out how the fuck Twitter thought me and Roger Ebert were similar, went to his page and 'critic' stood out. Word.

I'm moving some time this week, which, for me, basically consists of two days of emptying my apartment into a dumpster.

I like how no one in this household has clued in yet to the ratio of pissing off the cook versus diarrhea occurrences.

Saying 'Buenos Dias' to a Latino when you don't really know Spanish is gonna cause more problems than it solves.

While u other jerks were out all night partyin', I've been sleeping thru Matlock and playin' Scrabble..I am sooo owning u at middle age.

Ever have one of those days when pajama jeans don't sound so bad?

Moved on from Googling drama quotes to Googling immaturity quotes...to get back at someone... that I went to high school with. Uh...

Telling people you homeschool your kids is only impressive if you're not a whacko.

Getting my taxes done today...lube ✔ shoehorn ✔ tissues ✔

Baseball cap✔ Ponytail✔ Skinny jeans/skulls on pockets✔ Beat-up olive green Skechers✔ Listing all that and still wondering why I'm single✔

I either took another pain pill or ate my cigarette...either way, they're both missing...

So far, the only thing my midlife crisis has consisted of is fart contests with my husband...and yes, I usually win.