#Haveyouevernoticed People who drink light “beer” don't like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot.

If you make the same mistake twice its no longer a mistake! It's a routine!

WARNING: Consuming alcohol intensifies the niceness and brings out the inner freak!

I'm sorry but your bacon eating unicorn tweet is much believable than the one about the hooker giving you a compliment for being the best!

I don't understand why a girl gets mad if her man stares at a pretty girl! I'd worry if he checks out an ugly girl or a dude!

If only this tension could be resolved sexually!

I hate when I think a guy's being genuine about his feelings and it turns out what he said were just lyrics to a song I didn't know!

Every time I read the word 'hipster' I can't help but to think its the type of underwear I might be wearing!

If I tell someone my dog accidentally called his phone last night around booty call hours it's a believable story? Right?

Pro tip for ladies: Wanna keep tabs on your ex without being a stalker? Become best friends with his sister!

For ladies on weight watchers, how many points does semen add to your diet when you swallow it? Asking for a friend!

It's amazing how there are woman who floss their ass but not their teeth!

Its amazing how I can have much more in common with a stranger than with a real friend!

I follow some people who I haven't tweeted a word to but enjoy their tweets! I'm sure that's how some of my followers feel about me, right?

Just because I don't do anything, doesn't mean I don't want things to happen...

Um what is the point of having a safe word, if no ones there's to hear it?

Sometimes what's right under your nose is most difficult thing to see!...Depending on the size of your nose of course!

I just got unfollowed by a vacuum! I either sucked too little or sucked too much, for it's taste! *shrugs*

What is with all the laxative & constipation tweets today? I thought I ate the same thing yesterday you all did!...Apparently not!

I popped my Leaderboard cheery, got my first 100star tweet, had lunch w/ my bff! Ice Cube was right! I gotta say today was a GOOD day!