I'm saving myself for marriage.


Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.

You say tall red head, I say gingeraffe.

You call it a divorce, I call it the removal of a 200 pound hemorrhoid.

I downloaded the Friday The 13th ch ch ch ah ah ah to my iPod to listen to while I did my trail run tonight. I beat my best time. By a lot.

What I learned from Princess Leia is that you don't have to be the most beautiful woman in the room if you're the only woman in the room.

My lesbian friend just told me I'd make a terrible lesbian. I now officially have no back-up plan.

When people switch from a fake avatar to their real picture, it's like the lights coming on at a club at the end of the night.

When my mom said "I guess I don't need this Disney video collection anymore", she meant "I have no grandchildren and you are dead to me".

I don't mean to brag, but the tampons I wore in high school still fit.

I'm an organ donor, but I'm pretty sure all they're going to use is my liver for "after" photos.

I've decided to get a tattoo on my breasts. Of Scarlet Johansson's breasts.

I don't know all the ingredients of beer, but there's something in there that transforms me from "head bobber" to "professional dancer".

The ladies at my office didn't invite me to join their Walking Club, so I started a Drive By and Throw Twinkies at Bitches Club.

My 14 year old cousin got stung by a jellyfish so I gave her 3 shots of tequila. She stopped crying and fell asleep. I should be a doctor.

If God meant for us to run, he wouldn't have given us so many bouncy parts.

Since there is no male equivalent of hymen reattachment, the only way men can reclaim their virginity is by taking up Dungeons & Dragons.

Don't push the back of my head if you don't want teeth marks.

By definition, shouldn't the word "unique" have zero synonyms in a thesaurus?

In my 20's I'd look at my body and say "Fix it! To the gym!" In my 30's I look at my body and say "Fuck it! To the bar!"

There's a ghost in my house. And my landlord is spying on me. And I smell a gas leak. And I'm pretty sure there's pot in this cookie.