MY GMAIL HAS BEEN DOWN FOR FIVE MINUTES! I ALREADY GREW A BEARD AND MOVED INTO A CABIN DEEP IN THE WOODS! TECHNOLOGY HAS BETRAYED US!

With all the differences they list, how come one of the lyrics in Paula Abdul's Opposites Attract wasn't "I exist / and you're a cartoon" ?

Most of the time I'm like, "What?" but then other times I'm like, "Huh?"

I feel like Natalie Portman's laugh just killed a million indie dudes' boners. #goldenglobes

2 Legitimate 2 Quitimate

An Italian woman left $13 million to her cat in her will. MEOW MONEY, MEOW PROBLEMS!

Went to see The Dark Knight Rises trailer on the big screen! Also, as a bonus, they showed the whole Avengers movie afterward! #value

"Yeah, that's a pretty good discount... FOR ME TO GROUPON!"

I now share a birthday with Jessica Simpson's kid, so to those of you with September 11 birthdays: I get it.

Remember when country singers were really poor & hard & got in bar fights & didn't wear leather pants & have highlights & sing about angels?

QUICK WHAT'S THE PROPER PROTOCOL WHEN YOU'RE NEXT TO A REALLY CUTE DUDE AT A RED LIGHT? ASK FOR GREY POUPON? OR JUST PUT 'EM ON THE GLASS??

For years I would get Dermot Mulroney & Dylan McDermott confused, so in my head I combined the two into one über-brooder: Dermot McDermott.

TRUE STORY THAT JUST HAPPENED: I had to call I.T. because I got a virus on my work computer after Googling "Huey Lewis huge dick rumors"

Really looking forward to a hit song in this decade NOT being about getting the party started/keeping the party going/how great the party is

Sorry guys, STILL tripping over Jessica Simpson naming her daughter MAXIMUM JOHNSON.

I wish there was a TV show about people solving crimes

YOU GUYS MY MOM FOUND OUT ABOUT TWITTER SO IT'S TIME TO SHUT IT DOWN NOW SORRY

I just politely let some Escalade pull out in front of me in traffic AND THEN SAW IT WAS GUY FIERI NOW I WISH I COULD TAKE IT BACK

I often think about Garth Brooks sitting at a desk, glasses on, making an outline & then typing out the entire Chris Gaines Wikipedia page.

Just once I want to hear the neighbor of a murderer tell a reporter, "Oh yeah, he was absolutely the murdering type. Knew it from day one."