Going to Walmart to pick up your anti-depressants only perpetuates the cycle.

I really enjoy yelling at the kids to turn the music down while I shake my fist. Right up until the momentum of my arm flab knocks me over.

Me: "I should have worn my glasses. I can't see anything." 15yo: "You should have worn a bra. I can see too much."

Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

In July, my 16 mo old baby broke her leg. Last week, I got an letter from our insurance co asking for proof it wasn't an on-the-job injury.

The baby loves my leopard nightgown with hot pink trim. This does not bode well for her future, but explains the fisher price stripper pole.

To-dos for 20yr HS reunion next month:
1 Marry George Clooney
2 Lose 425 pounds
3 Learn to be cool
4 Become billionaire
5 Pedicure

Looking at old photos. Me: "I wish I was still that pretty." 15yo: "Uh...you could be...if you tried...like with regular showers and pants."

Body glitter.
Hot pink feather boa.
Macrame bodysuit.

The roofers are back to work outside my bedroom window and this time, I'm ready.

The 2yo saw me naked and said "Your butt looks like a fleshy bag of live octopi!" She pronounced it "Hi, Mommy!" but I know what she meant.

Today my baby rested her forehead on mine, patted my cheek and said "friends."

And then my cold, dead, useless ovaries exploded.

When I figure out which of my kids taught the baby to laugh and high five every time she farts, they're getting a raise in their allowance.

Starting a new diet where I pretend Cheetos are baby carrots. One step at a time, right?

2yo: "I want a bra!"
Me: "You have to have boobs."
2yo: "I have boobs!"
Me: "They have to be floppy."
2yo: "I WANT FLOPPY BOOBS."

The insomnia is coming from INSIDE THE BABY.

I've lost 10 pounds. I WANT TO HAVE THE FLU FOREVER.

Me: *sexual innuendo*

15 yr old daughter: "I hate you a little more every day."

Daughter: "I need new pants." Me: "I just bought you new pants." D: "And I prayed the knees right out of them."

Power is back on. Perhaps I was a bit hasty in chopping up the furniture and burning it in the living room. Also, eating one of the dogs.

Facebook: "Find out how sexy you are today!"

Thanks Facebook, but my baggy pants, ponytail and soup burps have this one covered.