dear family, even my horoscope says spending the day with you is a bad idea... so, please... fuck off. thanks.

When grown ups act like little children, it repulses me.

Unless you are shitfaced drunk, then... I understand.

that's how our youngest child came to be. mommy had a bad day, and daddy was there, so she fucked him.

My credit score must be like a mangled street dog, homeless and hungry; shitting in alleys; and pissing on bums for amusement.

I wonder if they plug your vag before a mud bath. Anyone know?

I look best, blurry, in low light.

My mom sent me a text... "need garden gloves" it took me 3 days to realize she meant on farmville. Good thing I kept a receipt.

His penis made me feel dirty. Like when my mom made me wear shorts under my skirts in kindergarten. #truestory

Golf ball dealers find me, but I can't get noticed by a midget sex porno ring?

It would suck to have a truly diabolical plan, and no one notices it.

twitter... where the boys are openly assholes, and the girls claim not to be like other girls. but act like needy, obsessed psychos, anyway.

Fellas, you have got to stop trying to piss on your woman. Its really not even cute in the shower... Even if you sing dave chappell. No.

Wait... I can lie here?

When you feel down, remember: some of the most unoriginal people here have 10k+ followers. They ate a lot of ass to get there. I watched.

yeh... i feel a little bit sad when i find out it's queen. i secretly pray it's vanilla ice, every time.

I want whatever people who go thru life with a shit eating grin are on.

If I could teach the world to sing... I'd auto-tune that shit because I know all the sluts are gonna think they're on key.

i am currently playing with shrinky dinks.

you can't be religious and ask big questions. knowledge kills faith... because curiosity kills religious facts. the logic must be circular.

Both of my egos are Bitches.