I like how old people always get up early, so their young relatives aren't faced with the "asleep or dead" guesswork every morning.

I'm gonna stop buying potato chips flavored like the foods I'd rather be eating.

A woman with pierced nipples has no excuse to be caught without a spare house key.

"How's your night going, sir? You look like you've been playing with Tesla coils for five hours."

-Taco Bell cashier who should be on Favrd

It's the kind of heat where balls stick and band-aids don't.

The trouble with suggestions is that they come from other people.

My turd looked like a comma. I took this as a sign that I wasn't done shitting.

I have a soccer ball gathering dust in the closet. That ball has been kicked fewer times than the child who made it.

The digital voice recorder I use for journal entries turned on in my pocket at the library. Patrons now know I'D LIKE TO FUCK MY NEIGHBOR.

The last taboo in America is telling a woman to do something about her mustache.

Great self-control, waiter. I'd never be able to keep it together if a lady ordered "beef tenderload".

That was wonderful? Do you mean it? All I did was follow the recipe on the side of the condom box.

I'm very careful when I label someone as crazy, and always do so with reference to a control group of shithouse rats.

There's a new laundry room game: Pin the Forgotten Thong on the Bulletin Board.

Do the homeless eat the earlobe punch-outs they find in the dumpster of the body piercing studio?

When a turtle is inside its shell, I suspect that it is beating off.

Nothing is more flattering than having a woman who reeks of negativity fuck your brains out.

My only beef with lesbians is that I always have to go on Wikipedia to look up the names of their cats.

Bystanders always take the side of a woman who can cry at will.

Amazing how different a southern accent sounds coming from a horny woman versus a bible-thumper.