I want a boyfriend who is always where he says he will be and who writes me long love letters. So basically, a death row inmate.

Mad at your coworkers? Just set your microwave popcorn for 30 minutes and casually leave for the day.

This salad is delicious, probably because it's a doughnut.

Is crack whore one word or two? I need to know for my resume.

For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.

3 and 1/2 minutes for easy mac n cheese? What is this, 1811? COME ON ALREADY.

Call me old fashioned, but one thing you will never see me tweet about is my tight, wet pussy.

I tried arson to meet a hot firefighter and long story short, I've got my eye on this prison gaurd.

A blowjob a day keeps his eye from going astray. Write that down.

No no NO! The lace pillows go ON TOP of the pink ones, THEN the clown doll. Jesus Christ. It's like you've never made a bed before.

Hurry up and collapse, you stupid society. I'm tired of paying my bills.

I love your little phrases of endearment, like "Why are you here?" and "The police are on the way."

Call me old fashioned, but I believe in saving anal sex for the second date.

True love happens maybe once. I can make bacon happen ten times a day, if I want to.

You had me at "Get in the van".

Jesus only had 12 followers? PFFFFFT. What a loser.

I'll lose weight when I'm dead.

God, it's like these kids want to eat EVERY SINGLE DAY. Do they pick this crap up at school?

Maybe I don't understand the concept of baby seal clubbing, but I would definitely dance with them and probably take one home for sex.

I'm a couple of sandwiches short of a big pile of sandwiches.