BREAKING NEWS: Alex McLeish is "considering his future" after failing his mission to relegate every Midlands football club within 5 years.

Ok. So Capello quits. Redknapp to England. Mourinho to Spurs. Andrew Lansley to Real Madrid. Doctor Who to Health Secretary. Sorted.

BREAKING NEWS: Rioters have broken into the BBC and commissioned a 12th season of My Family.

BREAKING NEWS: In all the confusion, Harry Redknapp has accidentally signed himself for £17 million.

Jack Whitehall, Russell Howard and Russell Kane walk into a pub. The pub is then locked, filled with cement and dropped into the ocean.

One day John Terry, Wayne Bridge, Patrice Evra, Luis Suarez and Anton Ferdinand will have a five way handshake and a rainbow will appear.

Three games in a row John Terry has picked Roberto di Matteo as manager and he's got three wins. Consistent team selection is so important.

At the end of Beyonce's set, all the men on earth will herd themselves into the sea, having accepted they are no longer needed.

Just remember that no matter who wins the X-Factor, ultimately, we as a species, all lost.

THE KENNY DALGLISH INTERVIEW MASTERCLASS. Interviewer: "Good morning." Kenny: "Is it? You tell me. You're not going to get me like that."

Yesterday I received an anonymous email from a dog kidnapper. Here is the transcript. http://t.co/KiGTRP4z

Just finished babyproofing my house. I must have spent over £10,000 on barbed wire alone, but there's no way a baby is getting in now.

I have made a document listing the key differences between bees (good) and wasps (evil). http://twitpic.com/529rmn

Just finished babyproofing my house. I must have spent over £10,000 on barbed wire alone, but there's no way a baby is getting in now.

It's National Cleavage Day. They were going to call it "National-Spurious-PR-Driven-Campaign-That-Demeans-Women" but it was too long.

Just finished babyproofing my house. I must have spent over £10,000 on barbed wire alone, but there's no way a baby is getting in now.

FRIDAY FILM FACT: The twist at the end of The Sixth Sense is that M. Night Shyamalan would never make another good film.

I bumped into Piers Morgan earlier. "Nice shoes," I said. "I've never even heard of shoes," he answered.

The Tale of Joey Barton. http://t.co/SCjdm0Hm

BREAKING NEWS: Manchester City have made a £100 million bid for TRANSFER DEADLINE DAY itself. "We will own the whole day," said a source.