Do you know who has "AMAZING" tweets? Nobody. Nobody has AMAZING tweets! Settle down, people, they're tweets, not blow jobs.

Ladies, if you've ever accidentally called a fax machine, you know exactly what listening to your stories sounds like to men.

Give a man a blowjob and you'll eat for a day. Repeat indefinitely.

After lesbians have sex, I bet there's an insane amount of not shutting the fuck up.

Truth be told, I seriously doubt that your guess is as good as mine.

The guy who spelled 'Wednesday' like that sure pulled off some shit.

It's ironic that North Carolina would prohibit gay unions when they're on top of another Carolina.

Ugh. Vidal jokes already? Too Sassoon!

I just figured out that my asshole neighbor is using my Wi-Fi network. I'm gonna change the name of my network to "I fucked your wife".

I just put a huge load in the dishwasher.

She spit it out though. :(

Whenever a Facebook "friend" shares bad news, like a divorce, or a serious illness, or a death, I try to cheer them up by commenting, "LOL".

A recent study revealed that the main reason why men view women as sex objects is because they have vagínas.

Hey girl with 20,000 tweets and 14 followers, I'm guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.

Give a woman a whore and she'll have hot lesbian sex for a day. Teach a woman to whore and she'll be exactly like your mom.

If you mean getting a blowjob while listening to the radio, then yes, I like radiohead.

If you mix Taco Bell hot sauce into your ramen, it tastes exactly like poverty.

I hope I live long enough to see a groundbreaking reggae artist come up with a second beat.

Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it's very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.

Neck tattoos are a good way to let the ladies know that you have no interest in being employed.

Hey, 12 grain bread makers, settle the fuck down.