Sometimes, when I feel sorry for myself. I think about the women who have slept with David Spade, and I feel better.

Corporate: In order to manage our time better, we are going to have a meeting. Me: Wouldn't our time be better managed doing our jobs?

Yes, the Mayans predicted the world to end in 2012. But not the conquistadors, those guys came out of left field.

If you listen very carefully, you can hear Monday sharpening its claws.

I have some real funny new followers. The pressure is on to put on a good performance and be funny. Is this how guys feel before sex?

It smells like sexual frustration and Mountain Dew in the hallway. So I know the IT trolls are nearby.

Corporate logic. I work for a corporation that will spend thousands of dollars to save 20 bucks. And we are one of the more successful ones.

Coworker being amusing, said I looked great in my slutty business gal costume. Unrelated: We now have an opening on staff here.

Don't tell me how to star something Favstar. Its a damn tweet, this isn't a wine tasting party.

I just have to learn how to make the tape say "Uh-huh" at the proper times. So I can just nap during conference calls.

I met my office assistant's latest boyfriend today. Somewhere in Virginia there was a meth lab unattended for a few hours.

#mymomsaid Be the friend that you want to have. Sometimes that ol' sauce monkey had some real lucid moments.

Corp: We may have to scale back Christmas parties. Me: What about the board of directors meeting in Hawaii this year? Corporate: No

The tough part about working on Columbus day. I have to go home and prepare Columbus day dinner and get the gifts wrapped. And the carolers.

I just approved my own vacation. The week between Christmas and New Year's. Like a boss.

How come they don't market Earth Day more like a holiday? Go have your kids sit in Al Gore's lap down at the mall and get a picture taken.

I gave up drinking years ago, but I am asking for a volunteer to drink for me this evening.

I see we have misspelled words trending again. Nice to see our tax dollars being put to good use. Great job teachers union.

Yes, I just realized that I referenced a man that ran for President in 1984 and won only one state. Not my fault you weren't around.

I am the antithesis of hip. I did not get a Google Wave invite today, just another invite to join AARP. Welcome to middle age, Liz.