I swear, if it's not one thing, it's my mother.

I'm from the South, I don't have to say "fuck you" all I have to say is "bless your heart."

I'm tired of twitter being "over capacity." Can we start voting people off?

My inferiority complexes aren't as good as yours.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy

I try to live every day as though it were my last, and who wants to do laundry on the last day they're alive?

♫ If you're crazy and you know it take your pills! ♫

I wonder if Child Protective Services ever checks Twitter.

Men are like toilets. Either vacant, engaged, or full of crap.

Listen very carefully and I will explain what condescension means.

Some people are wise, and some, otherwise.

People in this office are weird. Not like me and my hundreds of imaginary internet friends.

I wish I had a guy in my life who would go down on me as often as twitter does.

I don't know why it's called the "walk of shame" I'm pretty proud.

Sometimes I whisper, "I'm on your side" to the computers, just in case they ever succeed in taking over the world.

My life has a great cast, but I can't really figure out the plot.

"Look, Mommy! I can fit my whole fist into my mouth!"

Your son is going to make some lucky man very happy one day.

According to a 2 year old, who I had a conversation with tonight, I am fucking hilarious.
I wish he was on twitter and favstar.

That's enough Monday for one week.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference.