Hey high school kid who just discovered the Beatles. We know, now shut the hell up!

I am going to invent a Laxative and call it Kaboom

I am drinking a milk shake and nobody's in my yard yet.

Axe body spray, you might as well just pee on yourself.

On Kirstie Alley's first day of dance practice everyone accidentally yelled NORM! When she walked in.

Left my kid in front of the TV watching The Godfather, and now he left me a doody I can’t refuse


to clean.

Do you know where the instructions for cooking Poptarts are?

Unless you're drunk there is no reason to miss the toilet! It's not like you are pissing out of a helicopter!

The first person to say I will see you next year gets a toe punch to the scrotum.

Wouldn't it be great if Lady Gaga took off her mask and she was really Andy Kaufman?

I just realized I retweeted a tweet from Peta while I was eating a hamburger

The New Kardashian Horror Film - Revenge Of The Rear

I must be part squirrel because I just star'd about 4 tweets about nuts.

Owning a gun makes you a murderer is like standing in the garage and saying you're a car

I have been so drunk that I spoke to my dog and he talked back. He said you're pathetic and then licked his nuts.

I just went over 300 followers and I didn't have to dine in hell or throw a retarded baby off of a cliff.

Still watching the Godfather and my kid is planning a hit by hiding a toy light saber behind the toilet to kill the blues clues dog.

Just realized I have become a professional 3rd wheel.

If only you could read my mind then I would ask you to explain it to me, because I don’t know what the hell is going on in there.

My boss has the great ability of complimenting me and then making me feel like crap in the same sentence.