Imagine my disappointment when Bear Porn turned out to have nothing to do with actual bears.

Told a lady that her little rug muncher looked cute enough to eat. Rug muncher, rug rat--human slang confuses me.

I have a thing for pandas. #asianfetish

I'm not scared of much, but Angry Tourette's Squirrel gives me the fucking creeps.

I'm neither religious nor politically-minded. I believe in "live and let live," but if you try to convert me, I will be forced to eat you.

I declare this iced tea season officially open. (But not sweet tea because that's a travesty.)

This is the longest I've been sober in months. WTF do you mean, no ID, no booze? If I weren't full of hobo, I'd eat that liquor store clerk.

I'm terrified of tween girls. Seriously. They're like those creepy dolls whose eyes open and close, but they walk and talk and OMG! CHUCKIE!

Dear Screaming Human,
Get out of my yard. This is a forest, not the set of Jerry Springer.

Attention celebrities! One of your number needs to die to distract the country from this boring political stuff.

This Twitter location bullshit is giving me bad flashbacks to being tagged and radio collared by sadistic field researchers.

The cops call it B&E. I call it house sitting.

You know Twitter's really like high school when one asswipe makes you want to burn the place to the ground. Um, not that I went to school.

What I've Learned from Hollywood: 1. All marriages are a joke. 2. All actors are gay. 3. Celebrities cheat with skanks. Why do they bother?

Going undercover as a human. Ordered a shirt online. It's supposed to fit the "husky gentleman", but it sorta makes me look like The Hulk.

Someone needs to show Madonna her own birth certificate. Now she's starting a clothing line for teens. #NotSoHotTopic

Fridays bring out the Chatty Cathy in me.

She was a vegan hiker working on her geology dissertation.

Feeling remorse. I'm sorry, Cathy!

I'll be digitally signing copies of my new e-book, "Alienating Followers and the Art of Self-Sabotage" later today.

On this episode of Misanthropic Monday, we'll show you how to make an ice shiv. Also, taxidermy - art form or health hazard?

The timber wolves are raising a little lost boy as one of their own. Trying to convince them that "Charles Manson" is NOT a good name.