I bet the worst part about the Apocalypse will be Ace of Base telling us how they saw the Sign.

I wear my "One in the Oven" shirt backwards, so the arrow points to my ass.

"Until death do us part" means we're all single in heaven, right?

After all these years, I'm surprised nobody at CSI has found the light switch in their office.

When Mr Potato-Head has sex, do you think there's an awkward pause while he snaps on his O face?

Perfecting a new sex position called the 11, where you lie side-by-side with no sex whatsoever.

People who live in grass houses shouldn't mow stoned.

If you thought accidentally sexting your parents was embarrassing, wait until they return the favor.

After four centuries, the semicolon has finally achieved it's true calling: helping people wink online.

Opinions are like assholes: featured heavily on Fox News.

Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you throw hard enough.

Few people realize that dollar store pregnancy tests are 100% accurate.*


*Results may take up to 9 months.

How do worker ants remember their tasks without manager ants constantly emailing them reminders?

I've been shaving my face but growing my neck beard.

Business on top and party below.

That's right: the gullet.

They really should have been more specific when they said my PowerPoint presentation needed more bullets.

I banged my wife three times this morning!

And by bang I mean hit. And by wife I mean snooze bar.

Boss likes to surprise us when we slack off at work.

We were watching porn when he came out of nowhere. Into my hair.

This may just be a coincidence, but doing the Safety Dance has gotten me through some pretty scary neighborhoods.

I bet people would work more and tweet less if their employers learned to say "thank you" and "good job."

I just wish people respected my authority even when I'm not wearing my crossing guard uniform.