Give a metrosexual a fish and he'll cook it in white wine & almond butter topped with fresh parsley.

Twitter is the strip club and the stars are dollar bills.

Does Nancy Grace have an inside voice?

Just to be mischievous, I like to mix in my old issues of Penthouse in with the other magazines at the dentist office.

A road trip is a great way to test a new relationship but it's the withholding of the flatulence which eventually creates the tension.

Sometimes I like to eat a taco really slow, then speed up and twirl at the very end.

My new cool ponytail Indian dentist could not keep appt w/ me so he OFFERED Vicodin as a way to apologize, keeping this guy.

America is constipated because it lacks moral fiber.

Raise of hands, how many of you here are under house arrest?

You know what I like about Twitter? I get to engage with other intellectuals.

{Ha! I just shot my papaya smoothie out my nose }

Oh, just sewing some googly eyes on this here fur masturbation mitten so I can have a friend.

Someone needs to invent diapers made from Sham Wow.

Raise of hands: Am I the only guy who laughs while watching porn instead of jerking off?

Note to self: Don't joke with Indian dentist about being a disappointment to his parents for not being a real doctor.

Pack your swim trunks cos we're going to the MOON!

Does sensitivity training teach you how to find the G-spot?

I put the "gas" in orgasim

Are you guilty of speaking louder when it's a long distance call?

Oh just stuck an irrigation line up in a tree to take a shower & now frolicking naked among the migrating butterflies, like a Disney porno.

At the doctors office they ask me a random survey question about being suicidal I showed the nurse my advance play lottery tickets. Now STFU