Sometimes, I favorite the person. Not the tweet.

A beautiful face is worthless without a beautiful mind.

I need you to hold something for me.

Your breath.

Forever.

The worst feeling in life is realizing that you can't be with someone you love because being with them is so toxic.

Some people can't handle reality.

For everyone else, there's twitter.

Trying to call bullshit but I don't know the number.

I love it when my kids find something to do because they Unfollow me around the house.

I like my relations with no strings attached because people aren't fucking puppets that you can just play with.

I can't wait until we have our very first knife fight, cupcake.

A brain is a terrible thing to waste.

There are starving Zombies, somewhere.

Everything happens for a reason so grab a shovel and help me bury this body.

If you multiply all the idiots by all the geniuses you get humanity.

This brain isn't going to overdose on sobriety.

When you get down on one knee, you should really just say "Will you bury me?"

Be a good girl and give up that pussy for lent.

YOU HAVE BEEN PRE APPROVED FOR EVERY CREDIT CARD ON THE PLANET!

Awesome.

You have been pre approved to suck this dick.

Kleptomaniac Superman is the Man of Steal.

If you have my kid over with your kid you better answer the fucking phone within the first two calls or I'm calling the cops.

Telling my son how we built tree forts in the woods when me & my friends were kids and he's like you lived by trees and played outside?

The turnover rate from missionary to doggie must be extremely high.