For people who don't care, you guys sure do have a lot of rules.

Twitter is considering GETTING RID OF THE STAR BUTTON!!!! (Just kidding. Resume Breathing).

Enough with the Arkansas jokes. We have Clinton and the Razorbacks. In your face, other 53 states.

Dear chip and salsa companies, When your chips fit inside the salsa jar, I will respect you.

If I'm sitting in a room full of people who are playing on their phones. Why didn't everyone just stay home?

As far as meat puns go, this is the wurst.

Remember "Kids Say the Darndest Things?" We all grew up and joined Twitter.

Apparently it isn't a 'thing' to wave at people in cars identical to yours. When did that stop?

I'd like an order of silver lining, hold the clouds.

If you made a list of your problems and actually got to number 99, then you need to stop being such a freakin Debbie Downer.

People who answer my "what do you mean?" with "what do you mean, what do you mean?" need to stop that.

I'm going to be as horrifying as possible! -men

I'm going to sound like a kitten! -women

(Sneeze observations)

If Twitter isn't fun anymore, consider who you follow. You decide who exists in this little bubble with you.

Our Congress are lunatics. Also, people from crap countries, stop laughing at us. We can still bomb you.

When a husband and wife both get a TOTD, I imagine that's marriage bliss.

In all fairness to my dog, if I had unlimited options as to where to poop, I would take my time deciding, also.

Just butt-deleted some tweets. Gems are lost. Like in Titanic at the end when the old lady throws the necklace in the water.

My neighbor is firing his homemade cannon again this morning. Anyone know where I can rent a Mariachi band?

The hubs is out of town for the weekend. Party Time!!!*


*sleeping on his side of the bed AND drooling on the pillow. Like a boss.

"Don't eat that!" I say this between 5-7 times per day.