I feel naked when I'm not wearing a hoodie. Especially when I'm naked. And not wearing a hoodie.

The movie came out 4 years ago & this guy in my class is still using the Borat voice.The cops aren't even listening to my side of the story.

Who put this pubic hair in my apple juiOH MY GOD THIS ISN'T APPLE JUICE

Got my first 50 star tweet! In yo face mom, dad, grandma, grammar school teachers, next door neighbor lady, mom again, and pastor dave!

Who's going to inherit Gary Coleman's hundreds of dollars?

Someone held an automatic door open for me today, but I didn't say thank you because it's a FUCKING AUTOMATIC DOOR.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback. I'd also be lying if I said I'd be lying if I said I didn't like Nickelback.

I'm gonna go take a shower, so if anyone plans on killing me, perfect timing.

No matter what social situation I'm in, I always think to myself, "Now, how can I make this shit awkward and uncomfortable for everyone?"

Technically, 2Pac and Biggie ARE "underground" rappers.

I love lasagna, taking naps, erotic asphyxiation, and I hate Mondays. Just like Garfield!

Totally forgot what I was going to tweet. Rest assured that it would've been underwhelming. Just like everything else I do. I'm consistent.

"I was planning a vacation to Mexico until I heard that there's a lot of Mexicans over there." -My dad

I thought I missed a belt loop this morning. Turns out I completely forgot to wear pants.

#nowplaying with myself

My room is always at room temperature.

Me: "Dude, you got a pretty bad sunburn."

Cousin: "So do you!"

Me: "AT LEAST I KNOW WHO MY BIOLOGICAL FATHER IS!"

Watching The Real Wor... doing push-ups. While watching girl-on-girl porn. And drinking beer. And spitting.

Just made scrambled eggs for the first time in 4 years and now I remember why I haven't made scrambled eggs in 4 years.

Corey Haim finally caught up to his career.