This hot chick in my class said I smelled good and asked me what I had on. Told her a hard on, but I'm surprised you could smell it.

I'm like the little engine that said "fuck that".

If you live by the sword, I guess that is pretty cool. I live by some trees and shit.

"Daddy there's a monster in my closet, plz look 4 me."

"I'm watching TV. Take this, point it at the closet & pull this trigger 5 times."

At what age do I reveal to my parents that I was adopted?

Don't make me pretend to want to fight you while my friends hold me back.

I hate pretending to like people who are pretending to like me.

Told a buddy how depressed I am, he says when he feels that way he goes home & fucks his wife. Turns out he was right, she's the cure.

Come on, who are you going to believe?
Me or the background check.

I wonder if dogs think we humans are adorable. "Oh, my human is so adorable. Dumb as fuck, but really cute."

All I wanted was to go home, drink a beer & see a naked woman. When I got home I saw my wife & I figured out then that all I wanted was beer

I prefer that beginning and end of conversations are as close together as possible.

I'm pretty handy if you ever need someone to come over and just quietly think about shit.

Thinking about donating blood, all of it.

I hope microwaving my anger management doll doesn't indicate a setback, because that bitch totally had it coming.

The most abnormal sexual practice in all of nature is the choice of abstinence.. this oddity is only practiced by humans.

Guess I better get some sleep. I have to get up in 10 minutes.

I bet Words With Friends would be fun if you knew lots of words, and had a friend.

I bet nobody noticed that 666 backwards spells ex-wife. Weird huh?

"Dad, Jen said they show how dogs make babies on the web, isn't that cool, do they show how ppl make babies too?"
"Nope, they don't, sweety"