Not to brag, but if a bomb hit this Walmart right now, my body might be the only one identified. I have dental records.

My wife's favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.

"I'd hit that if I was drunk." - Me, driving by a mailbox just now.

Sex with altar boys? Nun for me, thanks.

This woman at Walmart has a lovely set of March Madness teeth. She's down to the final 4.

I see debt people.

When life hands you women, make women laid.

Drove by one of those Tea Party rallies. Looked like a Walmart without the building.

I'm no doctor, but some of the women I saw in Walmart have a very bad case of babies.

Painful truth: If you tell friends about something cool you did on Twitter, to them it sounds like "This one time at band camp..."

The Kardashians are more fun if you think of them as a petting zoo for black athletes.

Under a bridge, harassing goats. That's how I troll.

One thing led to another and now I'm in a hotel room with the TSA screener having a cigarette and discussing daddy issues.

Obama has been too slow in responding to the oil mess in the Gulf. Bush would have invaded another country by now.

Before every Republican debate we should each observe a moment of science.

Sex is like riding a bike. If you do it on a busy street you should at least wear a helmet.

In the South, any time you wander too close to a river you're in danger of being baptized.

If I knew then what I know now, I would have been a really creepy, sexually frustrated toddler.

Children are our greatest natural resource, so let's put the fat bastards on treadmills and hook 'em up to the power grid.

When we die we go to a place of peace and understanding so I guess there's no wife after death.