"I have CDO. It's OCD, but in alphabetical order like it should be."

If life hands you lemons, you are anthropomorphizing. In some way, you've handed those lemons to yourself.

Oh, God no. Life's building a lemon cannon!

If you're so Goth, where were you when we were sacking Byzantium?

There's something not quite right about walking out of a washroom with a bottle of apple juice.

"The camera adds 10 pounds!"

"Well, then stop eating cameras!"

Let me clarify for you:

Hoe - a tool used to create narrow furrows for planting seeds.
Ho - a tool with a narrow furrow for planting seeds.

Mario Bros. games give children an unrealistic idea of how many castles one might have at their disposal upon becoming evil.

Alright, Americans. I'll make you a deal.

We'll get rid of Celine Dion and Nickelback if you take care of Ann Coulter and WalMart.

Sarah Palin. Glenn Beck. Two wrongs actually make the Right.

High schooler beside me on bus is at crucial time in boy's development after discovering cologne, but before discovering regular showering.

When you enjoy life, most conversations with your family are some form of entrapment.

"I'm about to marginalize this bagel."

"I don't think that word means what you think it means."

"Hey, don't butterize my vocabulary."

What this vending machine at work lacks in reasonable prices it makes up for in giving change entirely in nickels.

They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

I'm reminded of this every Monday.

Don't worry, kid. If those were my parents, I'd cry too.

As engineers, we find ourselves disillusioned every time the Road Runner eludes Wile E. Coyote.

Sitting across from a pretty girl in the lobby at work. She'd blush at the google search terms I used in trying to remember her name.

On discovering the front of my boxers did not line up with my fly while at the urinal, I discovered a new type of awkward.

Got stared at a lot in China. Since we're multicultural, is there anything you could be to get stared at in Toronto? "Albino," she replies.