Had Maury Povich been in Star Wars, we would have known who the father was a lot sooner.

Apparently if you change your status on Facebook from 'single' to 'in a relationship', the ads go from dildos to engagement rings.

Just found frosting in my bra. Either I need to cut back on the cupcakes, or my boobs have hit a whole new level of AWESOME.

I'm starting to think whoever controls the air in this office building is just trying to see which woman has the biggest nipples.

65yr old in the elevator is wearing a popped collar and thick gold chain. Damn you, Jersey Shore. Damn you and your sick, sick influence.

A coworker just walked past me with a case of Kit Kat bars. The poor man doesn't know it yet, but his life is now in danger.

Since boobs gets most girls followers, I'm going to see what a strip tease will get me. Here we go:

(_)(_) ... (_)(o) ... (o)(o)!!!!!!!

My local Checkers now opens at 9am. So excited! Now with that morning burger and fries, I can finally get an early start to my fatness.

My boobs always cheers up the boyfriend. Decided to see what they'd do for me. I've been staring down my shirt for an hour. Still nothing.

If I could swap my coworkers for the people I follow on Twitter, this place would be SO much more interesting. Also completely unproductive.

I'm going to name my first kid Void. It'll be awesome watching him try to cash checks.

That's not my spirit animal - I just haven't shaved my legs in a few days.

Just rolled up to the 12 items or less lane at the grocery store with 14 items. #thuglife

I appreciate the green M&M. She's proof that rounder chicks can be hot, too.

As my coworker made eye contact, he hit the 'close' button on the elevator as I tried to get in. Clearly, I'm spitting in his coffee later.

Stalk like there's no restraining order.

You know when you text your boyfriend telling him how horny you are and then you realize it's not him you texted? Yeah... that.

Found out a coworker unfollowed me over the weekend. Well... at least now I know I'm doing this Twitter business right.

Nothing says forever like a 100 count box of condoms.

I'll never again take a call from the boyfriend while on a conference call.

Related: My company now knows I'm not wearing underwear.