I always cover my dirty dishes in the sink with water because, you know, it loosens that shit up for the person who ends up washing them.

This Walmart needs a few black guys to soak up all these fat white chicks.

White guys have gangs too. They're called fraternities. And corporations.

Twitter has restored my faith in strangers. And Canadians.

I'd tell my 1992 self "Hey I can get porn for free any time on my phone" and then he'd say "Yeah, well, gas is like a dollar."

People opposed to child labor clearly don't have toddlers.

The older I get the longer and more depressing/hilarious my scrotum gets.

Twitter has replaced the irrational feeling that I need to go out and make
friends.

So excited about the caffeine I get to drink tomorrow I can hardly sleep.

I think I've studied human behavior enough to mimic normal social interactions.

One of the best things about being white is not needing a receipt for returns.

No officer. Do you know how fast I was typing?

Trying to translate girl directions. It's the exit with the tree that looks like a hook then you go toward that shoe store but make a right.

Having great boobs must be like having a visible Superpower.

just remembered i used to ride my bike around and see a vacant house and debate if i could use the address to get 16 more discs for a penny.

Don't worry, there's someone for everyone. Except you. You're a disaster.

If your husband owns an iPad he's frequently masturbating in the guest bathroom.

Twitter: Where people who hate people find people they like.

"I'm gonna get more stuffed animals for my dashboard" - this chick I broke up with in college then spent like 12 months hiding from.

I lost a follower. Sorry you don't like awesomeness and cock jokes mom.