I asked my girlfriend if I should watch Hockey or Porn.

She replied, "you should watch porn, since you already know how to play hockey"

The Internet is a drug. One minute you're checking your email...4 hours later your pants are down to your ankles feeling awkward and lonely.

Couldn't stop laughing when checking myself for testicular cancer per doctors orders. It tickled. Nobody else on the bus found it funny tho.

I should stop playing music during sex as it gives the girl a frame of time. Apparently 3/4 of 'Baby' by Justin Bieber isn't long enough.

My girlfriend claims flavored condoms rubber the wrong way.

Got my iPod stolen recently. Don't really care for it. I'm just pissed that somebody out there knows how much I like slow jams.

Why the hell is your screen name "skinny_bitch39" if you're really 250lbs? We'll have sex this time, but I won't let you trick me again...

I refuse to use single-ply toilet paper. If I'm not careful, I risk fingering my own butt hole. I'd rather do that on my own terms.

Somebody called me a homophobe the other day. WTF? I love my home...but I'm thinking of moving because of the queers next door.

I find that it's more comfortable taking a dump with no clothes on. The officer at the playground didn't understand the concept though.

Can someone tell me how phone sex works? I tried...but can't seem to find a proper hole on my BlackBerry. So far we've only done oral.

My dental hygienist is sexy as hell. Too bad she's the one sticking things into my mouth and not the other way around.

The main reason I like Twitter is because I can follow women without violating my parole.

Now I gotta call every girl I slept with and say, "Hey! You might have given me gingivitus....don't be such a whore and wear your retainer!"

I have a tattoo on my chin showing how much psi force my jaw can generate and an 'HIV' tramp stamp on my back...in case I ever go to jail.

First Celine Dion, then Nickelback and now this Justin Bieber kid. As a Canadian, I sincerely apologize to the entire world.

Does anyone know how to make your phone vibrate harder and faster? Asking for a friend

I texted a girl to ask if she wanted to have sex and never heard back from her. She probably had a heart attack from all the excitement.

"We're not gonna have sex but I'll give you a handjob instead". Listen woman, I have hands and they have the job. The position is filled.

I just got fired. Apparently our understanding of 'tossing salad' didn't match. The waitresses and that one cook will surely miss me.