Get into the balloon, just get into the balloon... trust me..

I'm such a poor dancer I can't even do the Hokey Pokey, and it comes with verbal instructions..

We all know what kind of parent you are. Your kid has introduced you to the world.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and exp......

Is this true? Foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed.

Someone told me that I was Morally Bankrupt.. Will that affect my credit score?

Gravity works!! The lead in my ass has kept this couch from moving most of the day..

Someone asked me if I wanted to watch some drag racing. Not interested in watching guys running in dresses..

Good.. Morning America, Afternoon Europe, Evening Asia, Night Australia.. Did i get that right?

Remember that in an emergency call 911. If you use Twitter you might get a star, but that won't get you what you need, unless its a star

Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E. Eva. Wall-E.. Tough job being a script writer..

Kanye this is really getting old, please go to the back of the line.Thank you. Now I'd like a Big Mac with Fries, and a Vanilla Shake..

No matter how you feel about life.. It still happens..

Escargot.. to me tastes like dirt.. Garlic/butter flavored dirt.. but it's still dirt..

As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, Was life nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling?

Sometimes in the early morning i forget to finish my

Is using your personal laptop while flying the same as texting while driving?

Just used a hand sanitizer and now I smell like a Doctors Office, better go wash my hands before I get mixed up in a Malpractice suit..

With all of these sock puppets on twitter, I'm starting to have a complex about putting my non puppet socks on in the morning. Darn it..

Damn diet, what I want is bacon, eggs, home fries, toast, OJ and Strawberry Preserves for breakfast, what i get is a Slim Fast Meal Bar. :o(