How do I delete this shitty app that lets people call me?

'OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG! WHO THE FUCK PISSED HERE? OMG OMG OMG!' -my dog every four steps on a walk

If you're waiting on me to 'get ready' I'm probably just spending 20 minutes trying to get my hoodie strings the same length.

It's like this cop doesn't even care that I have a cape on.

I never kiss and tell. My uncle was always very strict about that.

My TV screen just went black.

I hope that old saying isn't true.

I just checked Facebook. There's still a bunch of babies and bible quotes. Oh, and this one guy baked a pie.

I can't believe women are just allowed to walk around and make decisions and shit.

Can you overdose on Plan B? Asking because I'm making this girl breakfast.

Porn would be so much more realistic if they put a dog or cat in the background just staring at the actors intently.

If you're telling me a story and I say 'Oh, really?', I probably stopped listening around the beginning.

It's not premarital sex if you NEVER get married...

My sense of direction is terrible. I'm not sure where I'm going with this.

Don't even look at the socks on the floor of my bedroom unless you want to get pregnant.

Drunk text I sent my Mom last night:

'Thanks for all these shitty genes asshole.'

How many stars to you need before you can turn them in for a giant stuffed bear? That's how many I want.

I wonder if other Jedi were ever like, 'Dude, Yoda, just stop that for one fucking conversation!'

Real men check to see if someone is alright by poking them with a stick.

I don't think this LSD is working, so I'm just going to tell all these dinosaurs to get out of my backyard.

What the fuck were phones used for before Twitter?