How long do I have to be ignorant before I start experiencing bliss?

I wonder if gay people ever say things like "Oh my god that is SO straight."

Getting fat tastes so good.

My carbon monoxide detector was buzzing ALL NIGHT so I took the batteries out & now I cant find the energy to get off the floor & go to work

no matter how hot she is, some man somewhere is sick of her shit.

An hour ago I couldn't think of a single reason not to eat this jar of cake icing. Now that I've eaten it I can think of at least ten.

I packed a lunch for myself for the first time in awhile. As I sit here at 9:30 am eating it, I wonder what it's like to have self control.

It's that time of the night when I crawl into bed & cuddle with my warm, cute, pile of clothes from the dryer that I was to lazy to fold.

I wish the secret admirer I have @ work would reveal his/herself so on days that candy hasnt been left on my desk I can just go ask for it

I think last night is still happening

If I had a milkshake, I would drink it. The last thing I need are more boys in my yard.

Beer? Ass?! There's a tap for that.

Good thing some of you guys are funny or you'd all just be a bunch of dicks.

I will never be an overweight office admin with a high pitched voice. Mostly because I don't have a high pitched voice.

So a mormon and a christian walk into a strip clu-Just kidding! Christians don't hang out with mormons.

Ever find yourself "in a pickle"? Ever wish it was the other way around?

I need to call bullshit. What's the number?

Real eyes realize real lies.

Having a cat now gives me a good excuse to find a bra in the kitchen sink, a sock on the piano, & keys in the toilet. It used to be my fault

Scheduled 4 weeks of vacation in NJ & FL. I have to pack underwear since my familys going. I also have to pack vodka since my famiy is going