Best part about giving birth at 4am is that it would only be 2 hours after you left the bar.

I hide the toilet paper so people can have a shitty time.

Mid flight I'm going to yell out "KEVIN!!"

Dr Pepper is the agnostic drunk of choice, no one knows what the flavor is.

I wanna legally change my name to Eŕic 3000.

All prisons are like Shawshank right?

So I thought Woman in Black was the sequel to Men in Black.... #womaninblack

Remember wherever you are, when you are looking at the moon, I'm looking at the same moon in which the US government never set foot on.

I wanna be a prison wife.

I have one speed, one gear, GO! #Winning

The neighbors are throwing away an umbrella. Parachute time!

@KineticalDummy People only hate you like their drunk father, they still love you somewhere deep inside and hoping you will change.

I'm the guy that will screenshot your drunk Facebook status's so you can see them again after you delete them

I rather be black than African.

Tim Tebow is the new OJ Simpson.

So many gingers in Harry Potter. You would think magic would stop it.

If I had to choose between losing my penis or my hand I would choose to keep both.

TOM HANKS ISNT IN APOLLO 18???

I need a sweet ass knife scar on my cheek.

#355 Eat a Hot and Ready like a calzone while on the tredmill at Planet Fitness #2012bucketlist