Handcuffs were a good idea. Until he left for 2 hours. And came back drunk.

My pepper spray and my inhaler really shouldn't look so similar.

If I ever go on safari, I'm totally bringing a laser pointer.

So I finally got my first phone. Just wanted to wait awhile to see if these things caught on first.

Four square and seven tweets ago....

Yeah, that chic on the side of the road with her pants around her ankles... It's me. Peeing while tweeting? I'M MULTI-TASKING!

My oven has two settings:
1). Not yet
2). You forgot

Totally gonna stuff my bra with your hands.

Trying to find my funny when I'm sober is like trying to find God when you're logical.

New game plan. Must orgasm at beginning and end of every day. Who wants to play?

The RedBull gives me wings, but the vodka lets me fly.

I go to the strip club for the articles.

The next time I tell you I'm all tied up, it doesn't mean I'm busy.

Totally dismissed this case of beer in a quart of law.

Migraines are bullshit. Why can't they be yourgraines?

I don't care how funny he is! I'm not following this "Friday" dude.

After getting laid, I like to talk to my boyfriend. Even if it's long distance or costing me minutes. It's because I care.

Bxlhxhdheoysuldjcjlc!


Look at me! I'm a volcano!

OMG! My calander ends December 31, 2010! It must be the end of the world!

If my plane crashes, I would like my last words to be: pbr, boobies. Also tacos.