I push him aside. "Let me show you how this is done."
My son is crying now, but this drawing will end up on the refrigerator. Sweet.

Twitter taught me to be too concise. Real life conversations have me thinking, "Jesus, man, that's ten tweets already. Get to the point."

I just took the quiz "How Gullible Are You" and got: Thank You for the Free Marketing Data.

Today is World Diabetes Day. Sweet.

This tweet is also available in braille.
See what I did there? No? No problem, there's also a braille version.

The worst thing about meeting a mime is getting rid of the white make-up on your knuckles.

Drinking beer with my friends.
Can I call you my friends?

Pavlov you say? Nope, doesn't ring a bell.

I just swallowed the Viagra when my wife called her flight was delayed.

The next six hours are going to be hard.

If he starts trending one more time, Michael Jackson is dead to me.

I've never done a joke about "the voices in my head".

They won't let me.

The best tweets pop in my head in the middle of the night when I'm too drowsy to jot them down.

This is why I sleep with my secretary.

The dress code was casual so I wore my black tuxedo with my fly open.

I wish I were dyslexic so I could celebrate Death Ray today.

I'm being followed by an avid minister now. Must be some mistake. Won't take long to rectify. Jesus Fucking Christ.

I just starred all my own business ethics tweets.

Weekend. The kids are in the dryer and I tucked the laundry in. It's all peace and quiet until Child Services get here.

Best thing about having your own business is that you can award yourself any title you want. Today I am Director of World Domination.

If I were a con artist I would mostly target Christians as they have already proven to be gullible.

It's a lot less impressive once you realize that when Jesus "made Lazarus rise" he was actually referring to his penis.