I always put my nametag as close to my breast as possible. If you are going to stare at my tits, you might as well know my name.

Know what this salad needs sprinkled on top? A Big Mac.

I'm looking for a strings-attached, multiple night stand.

I might hate my period...but I'm glad I never have to hide a boner.

Instead of pimpin your ride, you should pimp your grill. Your teeth. I'm saying you should get your teeth fixed.

Trying not to ask my blind roommate if he masturbated too much.

I'm thinking of taking a few of your avatars, printing them out, putting them on popsicle sticks, and having them make out with each other.

Can I sleep my way to the top of Twitter like in real life?

My son is going to be extremely pissed off when he grows up and finds out that all those 'your mom' jokes are true.

The only reason I'm fat is because a tiny body couldn't store all this personality.

Some days I feel like Princess Leia, others I feel like Jabba the Hut. And sometimes I feel like I should stop playing Lego Star Wars.

In high school, my little brother called all my guy friends my 'customers'. This did not help my reputation.

Remember when you were a kid & had candy in your pocket? Even if it got lint on it, you would eat it anyway. I'm like that now with pills.

Trying to make the dog eat my kid's math homework.

Alright, it's been exciting and fun but now I'm going to mastur...errr...bed. Maturbed. Kinda like a Tempurpedic.

You know the economy is bad when you see your first Hooters commercial.

The best part of being bisexual is everything.

I'm glad there wasn't Twitter when I was in Hs.
I can just hear my bro tattling...
'Mooooom, Monikka's being a whore on the internet again.'

I thought about stealing tweets once, but then I realized that I'm a decent human being.
I only steal music.

I know what side my bread is buttered.
Both sides.
I'm a fat girl.