List of things I’ve accomplished today:

1. Accomplishments List

Just discovered we have the ability to “flag” inappropriate comments on Facebook. Just like we do everyday on Twitter with those gold stars.

I don't need a reason to do stupid things, just a venue.

The decline of Western Civilization can happen rapidly. It took PowerPoint only a decade to destroy 2500 years of Public Speaking knowledge.

Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.

"Do I need a key card to get out of the building too?" - No sir, you just need to be smarter than the door.

I just invented a new drink with 12 oz of Root Beer, 6 oz of Gin and 1 oz Dark Chocolate Bailey's.
It’s called “Time for the Liquor Store.”

I’m too busy spending my time hating individuals to ever hate a group of people for their sexual preferences.

Was helping the Wife unload groceries and she said those 9 magical words, “get out of my way, you’re doing it wrong.”

I don’t understand why they call them men’s dress shoes because they don’t go with any of my dresses.

Can you show me on this Bill of Rights where the Bible touched you?

Congress has scheduled 109 workdays in 2012 which means we’ll be paying them each $1596 a day to bicker and do nothing.

The cat wants something and won't leave me alone. I've narrowed it down to one of two things: another beer, or my soul

Twitter: Where you can fake your avatar, but you can't fake your wit, intelligence or soul.

Please enter username and password. #5wordsbeforesex

My alarm clock is so bright it only has two settings, stadium lighting and interrogation lamp.

Coke and a wiener only $199! Either we are missing a decimal or it is a whole new type of service station.

Twitter Tip: If you have received more stars than you have given then you are an ass if you tweet a link to your own Favstar page.

The key to a happy marriage is simple. My wife is on Twitter in the living room and I am on Twitter in my office.

I just got a new pen out of the supply cabinet.

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