Dear asshat in the truck behind me at the Starbucks drive thru. Back off, I'm tweeting. Honking will only ensure I apply mascara also.

My 7 yo just hands me a note: I am mad at you because I got in trouble. I don't want to ever talk to you but... I still want to eat.

What color is my bra?

Who needs a bra...

when they tuck neatly into your waistband.

Fine. I'll go to church with you today. But, I'm wearing my jammies, not fixing my hair & taking coffee. People will stare. Your decision.

OH: De-alcholized beer? No thanks. It's like a vibrator without the batteries. Fills you up, but lacks the buzz.

Best thing about Sunday? After church sex.... Except, we were asked not to do it in the parking lot anymore. The old ladies were fainting.

For all you boy's that tweet about inches, could you please include the metric conversion.... Love Canada

It's now illegal to tweet & drive where I live. SO it should only be about a week or so before I get me a criminal record.

Wow. Some of you are quite the dirty birds. I think I need to go shower and wash your tweets off. Keep up the good work.

Crap! The starbucks drivethru is closed! What will I do? Oh right get off my ass and use my legs.

You! Creepy guy staring at my twits. My eyes are up here. However, I don't want you lookin' at those either.

Hey you, numb nuts. You are driving on the freeway with no lights on. That's as bad as tweeting and driv..... Nevermind.

Just looked in the mirror & thought "Oh you look good today! " The unfortunate next thought? "OMG I'm a frackin Cougar."

Yes I have the art of being a princess mastered. Look pretty and say NO, as often as possible.

One night very soon. I promise. I'm going to star your brains out.

Men: If you wake up and your eyebrows have bed head? It's time for a trim.

Epic DM failure. Good thing I have Tweetie, Twitterberry, Ubertwitter, and text as back up plans. NO I don't have a problem.

Coffee down the cleavage! Coffee down the cleavage! It's burning! ... Ripping my shirt off at work would be weird right? Yes? BRB then...

7 yo: Mommy my oatmeal tastes funny . Me: Like how? Her: Kinda like BBQ chips. Me: Snickering - Maybe it's time to clean the microwave.

Saturday seems like a good idea at first glance. THEN you realize everyone you live with is home from work or school. Is it Monday yet?