Really? Your kid's an honor student? Mine was just my designated driver.

I win.

My money keeps unfollowing me.

Someday, when my kids have places of their own, I am going to fuck up the insides of their microwave ovens.

Boyfriend just said he hates girls with big boobs. Fucking ass kissing liar. And also, correct answer.

Boyfriend is on my phone playing Angry Birds and ignoring me. If you star this, it will interrupt his game.

I'm thankful for small tits when I run. See how I'm a cup half full person? Ah fuck.

My ex-husband, ex-husband's ex-wife and my ex-mother-in-law all called me today. Fucking ex-hausting.

I just did a sit-up. I'm going to regret it tomorrow.

If I ever disappear from here, it's because I'm dead or happy.

"I wonder if she's okay?" ~ people watching me run.

Boyfriend is explaining to me right now how rude it is to tweet when he's talking to me.

It's all fun and games. Until I start thinking.

My boy just told me I'm a prime example of someone who should not have been allowed to have kids. Anyway, he's for sale on eBay now.

If I had to describe myself in one word?

Dumb blonde

They were giving out free M&Ms today to boost employee morale. Ate the whole bag and now I fucking hate myself.

Having kids is good practice for when you go to hell.

The writer who put Enjoy! as the last step on the cooking instructions for my microwaveable lunch is an asshole.

Looking for a summer school that teaches classes like How to Rinse Your Fucking Oatmeal Bowl or How to Turn Off a Fucking Light.

Boyfriend handed me an empty beer bottle. I'm guessing it means he wants me to shove it up his ass.

Tweet like that nosy fucker from real life didn't just discover your twitter account.