Facebook options should be "Comment", "Like" and "GO TO SNOPES.COM AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE LESS OF A BURDEN ON SOCIETY".

You're never drinking alone when you've got the internet.

Don't tell them but... I write horrible things about illiterate people.

I put the "sexy" in "illiteracy".

I take death threats very seriously. I even used fancy paper and double-checked all the spelling.

Lifting weights and listening to Led Zeppelin. I'm one underage cheerleader away from full-on Kevin Spacey.

Sad fact: Children who grow up without Polaroid cameras will never know exactly *how* to shake it.

If you play that drum solo ONE MORE TIME, there *will* be repercussions.

Today my wife passed away. She went quietly and I made her smile a lot before she went.

Terrorists with a capital "Tea".

My hair needs more body, not vice versa.

The technical term for the moment just before masturbation?

Beforehand.

Sometimes "4 star hotel" means 4 porn stars have stayed there. In the same room. At the same time. With a camera crew. And a goat.

Judging by his physique, I'd guess Popeye's a pretty accomplished masturbator.

Behind closed doors, Rachael Ray prefers the sluttier olive oils.

Not ALL Egyptians walk like that. Racists.

If it wasn't for the tiny flags, I never would've guessed that slob on a Harley eating MacDonalds in the Walmart parking lot was American.

My GPS has a lady-voice so I started flirting with her. Then she told me where I could go.

FYI: The Ghostbusters' number is no longer in service. I have no idea who I'm going to call.

Things I say hello to...
Newman.
My ragtime gal.
Kitty.
Dolly.
Nurse.
World.