If Tipper gets half the internet, I hope she takes Facebook and not Twitter.

I'm pretty sure the point of life is to find the 1 person who's least annoyed by your personality & then try not to kill her until you die.

Sleep clinic nurse said to keep my normal bedtime routine. So I begged her for sex until she left the room disgusted and now I'm tweeting.

Um, well, those are certainly nice, but I asked if I could see your tweets.

You people who make up absurd locations for your twitter bio crack me up: In your pants, On the edge, Canada.

The only thing worse than having your original tweet mangled in a retweet is having it improved.

For some reason I'm keeping my wife's brother's friend's dog this weekend. From now on, I'm counting apostrophes before agreeing to favors.

Finding a mom joke that hasn't been done is almost as hard as finding a mom who hasn't.

My 4 year old just put himself in time out. I'm certainly curious, but way too scared to ask why.

The greatest trick the heat ever played was convincing the world it's the humidity.

Even guys with mullets laugh at guys with rat tails.

My daughter is getting so big that I can barely tell our Little Mermaid panties apart.

"Are you staring at her tits?"
"What? No, I'm thinking up a tweet."
...
"It's a tweet about her tits, isn't it?"
"Um, well, yeah it is."

I was genuinely excited to find we had recorded an episode of Dora I've never seen. Please send help.

Explaining the Mad Hatter's unbirthday to your child is a decision you will regret 364 days a year.

Saving a tweet for the perfect time is like holding in a fart. Eventually, you'll find out how bad it stinks.

It's so easy for women to get followers on Twitter. Why can't a white college-educated American male ever get a break?

I hate the awkward laughter after we ask a couple if they swing and before the roofies kick in.

How old is too old to set up a lemonade stand?

I only drink on nights that end in tweets.