So, how many of y'all think Britney's password is "cheetos?"

My goal in life is to get on the @Favstar leaderboard. Now I just need to learn Korean and figure out how to tweet from space.

I wish I could have a beer sandwich for lunch.

You know you needed a massage when the lady whips out a chisel, hammer, and safety goggles.

A gay man wanted to get in my pants, which was a real compliment since it meant he clearly liked my outfit too.

My 7yo son just said these exact words: "I was *so* delighted to see it snow today." We're measuring him for his gay suit right now.

What's with Twitter minutely changing their interface like every 5 minutes? Who do they think they are, Facebook?

Caffeine, you and me. In the kitchen. Now.

OMG OMG OMG! My mom is CANCER FREE!!!! They got it ALL in her surgery and it did not spread!!!! Take that lung cancer!!!!

Zuckerberg was stalked through Facebook? Damn! Even *HE* couldn't figure out all those damn privacy controls.

How you learn what real terror is: the 1.5 seconds when you are unsure if the liquid just squirted in your eye is Visine or acne medicine.

I'd like to know how a 7 year old child is capable of stopping up the toilet EVERY SINGLE TIME. Seriously. There are laws. LAWS OF PHYSICS.

My fingers are cramped and suffering from Googlilus Readerachti.

Hangovers really not conducive for happy parental chit chat at gym class pickup. Much better for surly antisocial texting in the corner.

Supreme Court upholds Westboro's right to anti-gay protest at funerals of troops. We uphold right to say "FUCK YOU Westboro Baptist Church."

3 of our 9 models have bailed on the photo shoot today. I am 33% pissed.

Re: New Moon, why do we have to pick a team? I'm a lover, not a fighter. Related: IT'S NOT REAL.

I assume by the repeated braking, you are either epileptic or an asshole?

My fave new terms for #swineflu: hamthrax, aporkalypse, snoutbreak, porkinson's and hamdemic. Twitter is a DAMN FUNNY PLACE.

Friends in MARYLAND. Close friend Steve Carroll's son Brady Carroll has been missing since 2/15. Please help sprea http://t.co/015Ft8aw