"What? Where?" -owl on some next level shit

You wake up from a nap. The silence is piercing. You check your most recent tweet and it has been retweeted by 170 eggs. Only eggs.

Pigeons always look like they're jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Have you ever been really thirsty and really bored at the same time? That's how houseplants feel all the time.

By the way, let the record reflect that I inadvertently created the international emoticon for bipolar disorder today : ) :

Facebook girls: "Tell me I'm pretty."

Twitter girls: "Tell me I'm funny."

Real life girls: ??? (No clue. Never talked to one.)

Most action figures are surprisingly inactive.

If you hold an empty gallon of milk up to your ear long enough, you can hear your gf say: "What the fuck are you doing?"

Funny prank: Put a cinder block in someone's pillowcase and right when they say "What the fuck?!" let like six wolves into their room.

ןoן ʇɐq ɐ ɯ,ı

Those spare buttons sewn into your shirt are the designer's way of saying: "Life can get crazy, man. Here, have some extra buttons."

Crabs always look like they're walking themselves out of an awkward situation.

Don't you hate when you're tweeting through a Ziploc bag in the shower and you get soap in your eyes and your cat totally freaks out?

There's something about taking the comforter off the bed and dragging it to the couch that lets everyone know you're serious about this nap.

The biggest relationship challenge I've encountered so far: She likes to do things.

If you're sad just envision a giraffe getting into a helicopter. Oh wait his head just got chopped off didn't it? Think of something else.

You'd think a relationship with someone who's super funny would be fun, but it's not at all. Funny people are depressing as fuck.

Seriously how badass would it be if Jesus returned just to grab His cell phone charger?

Gonna get a tattoo of two big trucks crashing into each other and then maybe there's like a scorpion on the side of the road doing push-ups.

If you were small enough to ride a fox, would you quit your job?