You know you're stoned when you actually understand what Charlie Brown's teacher is saying

The face I make during sex is the same as the one when I spy a sheet of bubble wrap.

If Spiderman were a villian, Catwoman would have easily defeated him by batting him around the room for three hours until his legs fell off

I fall in love with your mind first

Eventually sickened by the smell of cum and insecurity, Linus finally burned that damn blanket

If you're kissing her right, you'll never have to tell a woman she's sexy

Sorry, but I've reached my quota on how many times I can raise my eyebrows to appear interested in this conversation

I'm hung like a liar

Which crayon best describes me? The broken one.

The ultimate sign of trust is when you reveal your scars

People should have Warning Labels

Twitter smells like desperate boners and empty vaginas

I think I'm falling in fuck with you

How do you politely tell someone that their breath smells like a mummy's asshole?

One of my followers has me Listed as 'mostly funny'. Thanks. I mostly appreciate it.

Steven Tyler looks like a Fraggle elder

I'm immediately suspicious of you for preferring non-frosted Pop Tarts.

I'm not comfortable with the way your emoticon is flirting with my twittercrush.

I have a face only your mother will fuck

Sometimes you stand on the edge and realize that's where you belong.