Still trying to recover from my self-inflicted gin-shot wound.

Me: "Did you just rub your dick on my elbow?" Him: "What's your point?" Marriage is hard.

PSA: don't confuse "blow job" with "blow dry". It will never end well.

I apologized to a colleague for getting a document to him late. Then he apologized for not jumping on it himself. It's a Canadian Standoff.

I'm on my first day of vacation. I've answered two emails and am doing my kid's homework. Don't tell me I don't know how to kick back.

Lick spilled wine off the table like no one is watching. What? No one was!

Why are my kids suddenly speaking with a Minnesota accent? That's worse than Canadian. And way harder to explain.

10 yo daughter: "you should tell twitter 'OMG my son ate his meat for once'!" Honey, it's twitter, no way I'm opening up that can of worms.

"Your mom" lines don't go over very well in person. Apparently.

Him: "Mommy! The toilet paper was out? So I got a new roll and put it on! It's a MIRACLE!" Me: "well you DO have a penis so, yes, yes it is"

Found a piece of stray Halloween candy. No way of telling whose, so to preserve the peace, I'm just going to eat it. To protect the children

Anyone younger than me who says "back in the day" gets a taste of my rake. Unless they're already off of my lawn.

Her: "mom, come to my room" Me: "sup, homey?" Her: "Of course I'm your homey, I live in your home!" Cute little white girl.

Having a glass of wine at the end of a long day makes me kind of Zoinked. To the extent that I start speaking Scooby Doo.

Our latest family lesson: "we don't wave our penis around in public".

I hope he learns it fast, because he needs to teach our son.

You know if you do stuff instead of hanging out on Twitter all evening, a lot gets done! Said no one ever.

Well, except my husband.

OK, so I finally got 50 stars. I thought I got a parade.

WHERE'S MY MOTHERFUCKING PARADE?

Apparently I've just been wasting my time here.

The asshole driver is coming from INSIDE your car!!! I mean "my". My car. Damn.

Eating all the leftover cupcakes in front of the kids to remind them how awesome it is to be the adult.

T-shirt of a fellow parent tonight: "Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver". We have to get them over for a barbecue.