Anyone know a state that allows marrage with a blowup doll? I need to get her on my medical insurance. Like pronto.

My wife just announced her melons have grown and are ready for harvest! L8r people!

Eff!
I'm back.
*Sigh*
I hate Farmville.

My wife sent me to pick up batteries for the kiddie toys again. Thats twice this week. WTF?

If anyone wants to split a cocktail with me, I'm only havin the tail part...

Son, I don't mind drugs, I don't care about grades… But listen, stay off the twitter boy, just say no to twitter…

Bacon and cocks, and vodka on rocks.
That's what little tweets are made of.

This is only a test, if it were an actual tweet, you would immediately click the adjacent star.

The wife is so drunk that I might actually get some tonight.

Wait… Score, she just passed out. Brb.

I get by with a little help from my friends, Gin and Tonic.

I can't believe what a skeptic I am.

After extensive research, I've come to a conclusion.
Going down on the rabbit hole definitely doesn't taste like carrots.

Hey, the wife's out of town and took the vagina. I need to borrow one. Or two.

I'll bring the Woody, you bring the Buzz!
To inebriation, and beyond!

They recently proved the universe is shrinking. Which explains why I "appear" to be gaining weight.

The chances of me disappointing the ladies in real life is like, 100%, as compared to 95% on Twitter. I love you twitter.....

I'm drunk and horny. You're drunk and passed out. Soooo… pretty much any word is your safe word.

Do these hipster heads stuck on spears in my front yard make me look hipstercritical?

I'm the type to talk to myself, then laugh. So when I star my own tweets, I'm just being me, all authentic and such.

Yes, we men are some stinky fucks. But nothing is worse than a bathroom that has been shit raped by a woman. OMG.

Well, time to turn in... gonna try to get some from the wifey...

some sheets...

cause it's cold...

on the couch.