There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and Shithead's.

What do you get if you cross Lassie with a Pit Bull? A dog that will tear your leg off but then goes to get help.

Sigh.. I had a life... I could have been a contender.. but then someone said 'hey, have you tried Twitter?'

If I go into a restaurant with two other people I like to say my last name is Stooge, just to hear the hostess call out "Stooge, party of 3"

Does anyone else buy celery just to watch it slowly decompose on the back shelf of the fridge?

When the store clerk asks if I want paper or plastic, I just say it doesn't matter because I'm bi-sacksual.

Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
the eyesight to tell them apart.

The less you need, the richer you are.

Who's the smart ass that coined the word 'lisp' so people with a lisp would have to try and say lisp?

Fresh fruit looks so beautiful at the market but then when I get it home it goes all Dorian Gray on me.

Apple has more $$$ than the whole U.S. Government. Why don't they just buy it outright and change the name America to " iCountry"?

Hemorrhoids would be more aptly named if they were called 'asteroids'.

Long ago there was a prince who was in love with a princess. He asked her to marry him but she said no and he lived happily ever after.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home, and when he grows up, he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.

Somewhere in the universe, Beethoven is listening to Elvis songs and probably wishing he'd thought of maybe branching out a bit.

"Witnessing the Republicans and the Democrats bicker over the U.S. dept is like watching two drunks argue over a bar bill on the Titanic."

When I see "Dry Clean Only", it's really just saying to me "Don't Buy This".

Just rescued the same fruit fly from my wine 3 times. This time I'm holding his little head under..

Humans might know the 'concept' of forgiving but dogs are the absolute masters of actually living it. We truly suck.

I can tell the local blackberries are ripe by the pretty purple crow splats on my white car.